No place like home.

Today was a profound day. Not that the day itself was significant, but the things I learned were. I guess today was a day full of the profound.

Lesson number 1: I need to forgive my mom.

My mom sold our house this week. I knew it was coming, she's been sending boxes of my childhood memories to me for awhile and selling off our family heirlooms on ebay, but the day she announced that it was actually sold I had a total breakdown. Whenever I am asked if I live "at home", I cringe. Of course I live at home. Home is wherever I live. If you mean do I live with my parents, no, but that hasn't been home for a long time. But really, my rented house with come and go roommates doesn't feel much like home either. Nor do the dwellings of any of my family members seeing as we all renters now. I never wanted to move back to Texas, but I did picture someday taking my kids to Grandma's house and showing them my old room. My mom never got to do that. Her parents moved while she was on her mission. That is a touchy subject with her. She felt like they had abandoned her or something. Moved on as though she would never come back. It made me wonder how she felt justified in doing this now. I've been pretty torn because she shouldn't have to live alone in a 5 bedroom house and keep everything up just in case a child decides to come visit, but now I don't know that I'll ever want to visit. That sounds harsh, but mom isn't just moving into an apartment, she's moving in with Bob.

Bob was the big secret that mom always referred to as "my friend". He had no name, no face, and no meaning to us other than mom was always sneaking off to visit some "friend" and trying to drop enough hints to spark our curiosity and get us to ask about him so she could break her silence. We didn't play her game. As a result, we are still trying to catch up on this sudden relationship and are finding out that when she says WE are getting an apartment, she's not talking about her and the voices in her head. She means she is moving in with the man that she left her family for. That sounds harsh too.

It started when mom left the church. It must have felt like quite a relief to be rid of so much responsibility. I hear from Audrey that mom says she was a better person with the church, but it took too much work (something to that effect). But it was a few years later that she up and moved to London and got a taste of real freedom. True, she was there to support her family, but being away from them for so long left its mark. Ever since then she has been shedding her family responsibilities layer by layer. Now she is moving into an apartment on Independence Drive. How appropriate. How complete.

Sitting in church today and listening to the speaker, something he said struck me. He mentioned quitting and dropping out. He was listing things we quit and ways of doing it...dropping out of school, work, adults leaving family duties, etc. Of course it struck a nerve both because I have twice run away from college, but also I've had my mom on my mind. But at the same time the words of a hymn were repeating in my mind "Oh forgive as thou wouldst be e'en forgiven now by Me" and I knew I had to let my anger go. I get so overwhelmed sometimes that I just drop things and it becomes almost impossible to pick them back up. It doesn't make it right, but it is human. So is my mom. She was so responsible for so long, so on top of everything. She had to take care of everyone, five kids and a husband who may as well have been a kid too. I'm a little afraid that she learned how to quit from me. I always told her to relax and let things go. I never really believed that she would.

I feel abandoned and I feel hurt. Why doesn't she want to keep my school pictures or my homemade christmas ornaments or the birthday card I drew for her when I was 4? Why does she want to forget us? I don't know. I think she is making a big mistake, but it is hers to make, just like the many that I have made and will make. So I have to stop being angry with her.

It's really hard. I really miss my old mom.

Lessons 2, 3, and 4 are going to have to wait until tomorrow. It's late and I'm sad and I just want to go to bed.